A Mother’s Day Without a Mom

If you’re gonna ask me about the feeling of celebrating a Mother’s Day without a mom, I’ll give you a one-word answer – HEARTBREAKING. It’s never easy to live a day knowing that she will not be there by your side anymore. It breaks my heart every time I think about those happy and bonding moment we shared when she was still here, then be struck with the realization that we will never be able to do those again ever.

As the days go by, the emptiness inside me grows stronger. There were times that I dreamed about her, those times that she was still here with us. Even up to now, I still feel that she never left. I’m living my days thinking that nothing changed, that we’re still in the usual days. She’s just there. She cooks for us. She cares for us. She looks after us. She nags at us when we’re doing silly things and sees us that we’re not doing things the right way.

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She has that habit of checking on us before she retire to bed. Since my work is related to computer, I usually stay up late. She would then go to my room, nudge me and ask me to go to bed already. But since my motivation to work is increased during those graveyard hours, I would just tell her to go to bed instead and not worry about me. She would then sit in my bed and watch me as I work. She was just there, looking at me, as I type in my keyboard. Few minutes would pass and she would go out of my room, not to sleep, but to get me a cup of coffee.

When she was still here, I didn’t appreciate those gesture much. I thought that she would be around longer. I thought that she would stay with us, be with me as I get married, be with us as I start my own family, be with her grandchildren with me, be with me as I fulfill my dreams for myself and for my family. I thought she will be around and enjoy the comfort and wellness that she long hoped for since she was a child. But she didn’t.

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Looking back, Mom has been so good. Looking back and thinking about those happy moments has became my habit now. Every time I thought about her kindness, her care, her devotion, her dedication and her love for us, I can’t help but cry. I felt that I lost the will to live and move on. My mom has been my inspiration since the day that I understand life. She was the reason why I did good in school. She was my motivation why I looked for better jobs. She was the reason why I really work hard. That way, I can give her comfort and indulge her wants – those, thinking about it, were very rare.

I wish I could turn back the time, the time when she was still here. If I could do that, I will tell her how much I love her, how sorry I am for all the wrongdoings I’ve done, for disobeying her, for breaking her heart, how thankful I am for having such a wonderful mom like her and how sad I could be if she will leave us. Now I regret those times that I wasn’t able to tell her those things. There were plenty of chances to let her know how much I love and appreciate her. but I let all those chances slipped away. Now, I will never have a chance coz she will never be here anymore. Ever. And I cry even more.

Every Mother’s day, I give some treats to my Mom. I see to it that this day will be special just like her birthday. Sometimes, I treat her out. Sometimes, I give her a gift. But this year will be different, for the star of the day will not be here to celebrate with us. There will be no mom to receive a gift. There will be no mom to treat out. No mom to say “I Love You” to. No Mom to say “thank you” to. But still, let me express my Mother’s Day message for you Mom.

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To My Dearest Mom

You’re the best thing happened to me. You are a precious gift from God. I felt so blessed that He gave me a mom as wonderful and kind as you. You were there to protect me. You were there to nurture me. You raise me to be a better person. You made me what I am right now. Because of you, I learned life with full hopes and aspirations. Because of you, I lived each day with something to look forward to. I dreamed, I strived and hopefully will succeed even you’re not around to guide me. I will keep all of your wisdom and advices in my heart. You may not be around, but I know you will always be there to look after me. I’m thankful, and always will be, for the blessings, guidance, care, love and devotion.

Mom, I have never said this to you because I believe I’d rather show it. But I realized that sometimes, I should have told you. I LOVE YOU. You’re the best and the greatest for me. I’M SO SORRY for everything I’ve done that caused you heartache and headache. And THANK YOU for everything.

Now you’re gone, I am so scared and alone. I feel so weak, but I know I have to be strong for the sake of dad and my siblings. I know you’re in a happy, better place now. In God’s arm and with the angel above. I love you so much.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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